rushing tension

the dog was sick, i was an emotional wreck, and luke was annoyed with me. it was sunday morning at 10:45, and the three of us were hurrying down the street, destination: the vet.

trips to the vet are always a bit of an ordeal because i have to rent a car to get there, and parking is a nightmare in the vet's neighborhood. on this particular day, i was projecting, it was going to be even worse, because we had exactly seventy-five minutes to pick up the car, drive to the vet, get my pup checked out, and get the car back. (we were using a car-sharing service called zipcar, and our little rented honda was promised to another driver at exactly 12pm.)

i was upset because my dog was sick and i was worried about her. i was upset because i was sure we'd never make it there and back in time. i was upset because i was imagining that time would run out, luke would have to take the car back without us, the dog and i would have to do a several-mile walk home, luke would get lost without my navigation and i'd get charged late fees and annoy the next driver, luke and i would say goodbye feeling contentious, and my entire life would consequently fall apart.

so i was telling luke to hurry. he wasn't rushing as much as i was... he wasn't walking as fast. and when i urged him along, his reaction was annoyance. "it won't make a bit of difference if i walk just a little bit faster," he told me, his voice thick with irritation. "i am not going to let you talk to me like that-- so just stop it."

i hated the feeling of his displeasure... i wanted him to understand what i was feeling and see that there was no reason to be mad at me, but that wasn't happening. and his walking pace distressed me. i hated having no choice, no control. i couldn't make him walk faster, and i couldn't leave him behind. i wanted him to be solid and in control so that i could feel safe even as i worried, but i wasn't trusting him to put every effort into the task at hand. i wanted him hurrying right beside me, emotionally calm but physically on guard. i wanted him to behave in exactly the way i prescribed so that i could know that he was with me.

as you might imagine, we had some things to discuss once we got in the car. i was able to offer only a token apology, which luke accepted, i think, because i was crying, distraught-- he could see i wasn't at my best. we got to the vet and he took care of watching the car and getting breakfast (which hadn't even occurred to me) while i brought the dog inside. i worried that luke's choice to find us some victuals would mean that the illegally parked car would get towed, but i tried to put that out of my mind, reminding myself that even the worst-case scenario could be dealt with and that it was ridiculous to for me to try to take responsibility for everything.

ten minutes later, pup and i waited in our examining room and i was regretting my irrational behavior, wanting to see luke and make it all feel right again. as if on cue, a beaming receptionist appeared at the door with luke right behind her. his casual, charming thank you made me smile, as i now knew why the receptionist looked so happy. and i was happy too-- he had brought me a chamomile tea and a bran muffin. i had asked him for "something sweet" and was amused by this choice-- the healthy intrusion seemed to be a kind of intervention, an expression of (rather dominant) caring.

i gave him a hug and a more sincere apology for my demanding behavior. "that was all i needed to hear," he told me as he enveloped me tightly in his arms and gave me a kiss.

the rest of the vet visit was quick and nontraumatic-- the appropriate tests revealed nothing serious wrong with the dog, and we were on our way in no time. luke smiled when i told him that the vet had asked conspiratorially, "is that your boyfriend? cute!!"

we returned the car in the nick of time-- the next driver was already waiting for it when we arrived-- and then we walked together back to my apartment, sat down in the living room, and tried to talk a little bit about those earlier moments of conflict. all in all, there wasn't much to say-- we'd kind of already been through the specifics-- but there was still some lingering tension in the air. neither of us had been treated the way that we wanted to be and the memory of that feeling was hard to shake.

though i know that this sort of thing happens in relationships, it's always really hard for me to tolerate unresolved tension. "i hate this feeling," i told luke. "i want us to be completely connected before we have to say goodbye."

"maybe that's not going to happen today," he responded. "but that's okay. i love you. we can't always have everything one hundred percent resolved."

he probably couldn't have said anything that would have been simultaneously so honest and so reassuring, but i felt worried anyway. it was as if a little gray storm cloud had taken residence over my head. i worried that luke and i would start fighting again, and/or that i would enter another phase of insecurity. i know, talk about over-thinking-- and i did realize that i was talking myself into a tizzy, but i didn't know how to stop it.

we sat together for a little while, tolerating the tension... i don't know what luke was feeling, but i was frustrated. i was trying to distract myself and it wasn't working. this made me feel even more upset.

and then, at some point-- i don't even remember how it started, actually-- luke began to reach out to me in indirect, silly ways. he found a silly song on the computer and asked me to sing it for him with my guitar, and he started making dopey jokes. i knew he was trying to make me laugh and i wasn't sure what to make of it, since i didn't really feel like laughing.

then luke stood up from the recliner, suddenly, and announced, "i think you must need me to inspect your breasts!"

i looked at him like he was crazy, and he approached me with stiff, halting footsteps, a pantomime of some slow-motion horror-flick character. when he got close enough, he grabbed me and a wrestling match ensued. i wasn't sure what he meant when he said "inspect," but i had a feeling it was something uncomfortable-- and i was right. when i couldn't keep him away anymore, luke lifted my shirt, unloosed my bra, and brought his teeth down on my nipples. i screamed and fought him. he eventually wrestled me over to a chair, deposited me into it, and used his body to hold me in place.

"i like when you struggle," he divulged with a smile on his face. we held eye contact for a moment and i let my desire to rebel and get away from him grow in strength and intensity.

i strategically pulled my wrist free and tried to push him off of me. he rocked slightly (he'd been crouching beside the chair) and caught himself before leaning in closer.

"do you want to push on me?" he teased. "go ahead, get it out-- push me over, you can do it!" i pushed hard on him but he was firmly anchored on the floor. i scowled.

"you need a spanking, don't you?" he asked abruptly, as if having a revelation. "you need me to paddle your bare bottom!" he held my eyes for a moment, standing totally still as if assessing something, then grabbed my arms and pulled me out of the chair. i fought as he pushed me toward the bedroom, leaning back against his chest to make myself as heavy as possible, trying to work my arms free. an area rug slid across the floor under my feet as he propelled me forward and we both laughed.

in front of the bed, i struggled against him as he undid my cords and yanked them and my panties down below my knees. he pushed me over the side of the bed and told me to stay there while he fetched the paddle.

i stayed. i think i knew all along that this sort of over-powering, this sort of intervention, was what i needed to let go of my anxieties. luke appeared with the paddle-- the cheap one with the heart cut-outs on the back. i hate it for its annoying surface sting, and when i saw it i immediately started to try to escape. "no, no-- you stay," luke commanded, catching me and holding me down. "i think the heart-imprint paddle is exactly appropriate for this."

he began to use it liberally on my bottom and the backs of my thighs. he held me as i kicked, and he told me that this was a punishment for my bad behavior earlier, asking me if i understood. i kicked and squealed and felt embarrassed, but also sort of... fulfilled. he paused at one point to ask me what i was feeling, and i said, "i think i feel better." he promptly continued.

a few minutes later he stopped suddenly, because it was time for us to leave, to go to an appointment. "stand up, and pull up your pants," luke instructed, and i did so, feeling embarrassed and small... there was something about having him sit on the side of the bed and watch me re-dress myself after the spanking. it was humiliating in a child-like kind of way.

"that was really what you needed, wasn't it?" he asked, his face bright with the discovery, his smile broad. i couldn't answer him, and when i looked away he simply went back to business, pulling my hands away from the fly of my pants.

"fix your bra," he told me, gesturing at the odd lumps sticking out from under my shirt, exemplifying our struggle over it earlier. i reached back to re-clasp and adjust it while luke zipped and buttoned my cords.

"should i tell them that we're late because the lady needed a spanking?" luke teased.

i was quiet as we gathered our coats and walked out the door, down the sidewalk again. i was quiet on the inside and the outside... something had resolved all that tension for me, and i found serenity, security, and calm.

like rape

"go take your shower. i'm hungry."

these words came out of my mouth as i tried to wiggle out of luke's grasp in bed on saturday morning. we'd been lolling around for hours already... we'd cuddled, had sex, cuddled some more, talked about lots of things, and made some plans for our day. and it was time to start putting those plans into action. luke was being silly, though-- tickling my armpits, pinching me, pulling the covers off of me, licking my cheek, and just generally goofing off.

"stop it-- go!" i said again, "stop taking my covers-- i'm cold. go take your shower!" you could say i was being a little bit prickly, but everything stops being sexy and fun for me as soon as i get cold. i wanted luke out of my bed so that i could comfort myself with the weight and heat of my blankets again. in peace.

luke came up with a new absurd quest to postpone my comfort: "i'll go, but first i want to touch your cunt."

i rolled my eyes. "no. you may not. go shower."

"yes," he said, climbing to his knees and pulling my body towards him, "i just want to touch your cunt. spread your legs."

"no!" i barked, trying to kick my legs out of his grasp, flailing my arms away from his grip, wriggling my hips out of his hold. he was laughing and i was smiling a little bit, though my annoyance hadn't yet waned.

luke is obviously much stronger than i am, but i was putting up a pretty good fight. there was no easy way for him to keep both of my arms restrained, my cunt accessible, and his hand free to do the touching. as we wrestled, it seemed like i was going to win this one. usually i like it better when luke wins anyway, but as i said, i'd hit my point of no return already and i wanted the struggle to be OVER with myself the victor.

then he said the words that will always let him win, no matter what. they just popped out of his mouth-- later he told me that he didn't even remember saying them: "it's my cunt, it belongs to me, and i can touch it whenever i feel like it."

i watched my own arm fall back docilely and luke confidently reposition his body out of its defensive stance. i am always a willing prisoner of possession-- luke has merely to mention it and i am putty. i felt his fingers on my folds for a second-- and then suddenly they were being parted, and his cock was forcing its way inside.

"ow," i said. i hadn't been turned on... i wasn't really ready for sex. this penetration was a complete surprise, and my body wasn't prepared. his cock pushed, making uncomfortable friction against my insides. i squirmed irritably while he lowered his body down on top of mine, our chests pressed together by gravity.

"maybe i should spank you," luke suggested in my ear in that grunt-like, mid-coitus way. "you're always more than wet enough after a good spanking, even if you don't want to be. i love the way that you can't control your own arousal."

i said nothing in response. more love-making had not been in my plan for the morning. and i didn't want to think about spanking right now either. i wanted to quietly experience what it felt like to be taken without apprisal. i was removed from any active role in the process... he was starting to pick up speed, chasing his pleasure, and i laid there like a vessel.

though my stance expressed indifference, something different was going on inside my head. luke's fervid thrusting was irresistible to me... my renitence, we both knew, was just part of the game. i started to feel aroused by the way he'd established his claim on my cunt and then acted on it without even consulting me.

"there we go," luke whispered in my ear, and i too noticed that my body was starting to welcome him. it hurt a little bit, but my cunt was now on board with the fucking, definitely. "you like the way i just took you without asking, don't you?" he went on.

i didn't want him to identify it... i didn't want to admit that i liked any of it. i let a few breaths go by. "it's like you're raping me," i finally whispered in response, ignoring his question while upping the ante, daring him with taboo.

"do you like that?" he asked, his face over my shoulder, buried in the mattress, as his hips thrust his cock deep inside of me and his left hand squeezed a handful of my ass.

"do you?" i countered.

there was a pause, the space filled up by the sound of our collective heavy breathing and the bouncing springs of the mattress. and then he answered: "yes."

two more violent thrusts, his arms tightened around me, and i felt his body sigh. i snaked my hands up and over the skin of his bare back, feeling his shoulder blades and the softness of his flesh. i held him like that for a moment, and then he looked up at me and smiled.

i was full of his cum.

vanilla updates

the leaves fall off of the trees... conflict and harmony both wax and wane... and luke and i move forward in our development of "us."

at the end of september, we were fighting constantly. there were a couple of weeks in there-- maybe three or even as many as four?-- in which we seemed to always be fighting or making up. the fights shook us both to our core, and we started talking about breaking up. it was a really hard time for us.

so how did we get through it? well... we were both able to realize and acknowledge that we were fighting because we were becoming closer. we were feeling scared about being more involved, perhaps even dependent on each other. we both began trying so hard to protect our hearts that we weren't allowing trust to guide us. we were hiding from our love. i think it was the night when we realized that, and really talked about it, that the fighting stopped.

and there has still been conflict since then, of course-- we've annoyed each other, we've had moments in which we felt disconnected-- but nothing that i would really call a fight. it's like we got to a better place with accepting each other. we both know what to do when the other one becomes difficult, and i guess we stopped being so afraid to employ those methods.

for instance-- sometimes i get sulky about things. luke is in the process of finishing an advanced degree and sometimes he has to say goodbye to me earlier than i want him to so he can go study. and even though i know he has to go, it often makes me sad. it used to be that when i got this way, luke would try really hard to cheer me up and eventually start feeling pressured (or even suffocated) when that didn't work, and he would get annoyed with me. he'd give me some annoyed retort, which would only exacerbate my sadness, and we'd be in a fight. but lately that's changed. now when he notices my mood, he puts his arm around me, rubs my back, and just says, "aw, are you pouty?" something about the affection and acceptance makes me feel good... loved and taken care of, i guess. and the sulkiness passes without causing a conflict.

on the other side-- sometimes luke gets agitated about things. i've mentioned before that he likes to be in control of his life, and if he feels a loss of that control then usually his reaction is to ruminate out loud, and to interpret everything he sees in a lens of discontent. this used to rile me up a lot-- i'd feel criticized either directly or indirectly, and i'd end up feeling anxious and/or annoyed and a similar bad cycle would develop. but i've learned that his agitation just needs time, and that the best response from me is space and validation. i listen to him talk about it for as long as he needs to, saying very little. and eventually he gets it all out, after which he not only feels better-- but also seems to feel an upswell of affection towards me in reaction to the support that i just invested.

i like telling you what we've both learned and how it's working. being able to work through conflicts before they become fights is better, i think, than never having conflict in the first place. conflict is just part of being in a relationship, and i always feel really good-- really comforted and confident about us-- after we've circumnavigated a potential argument.

the most frequent keywords that people use to find this blog are not about sex or bdsm but about dating and relationships. my keyword analysis section of stats is usually populated with searches like, "what to expect on third date" or "how to know if it's love." people wonder about this stuff... everyone struggles with figuring it out, with getting through the dance of intimacy without going crazy. and i like to think that those out there who are looking to the internet for support and answers about such things are finding a story that they can relate to here.

i've been writing a lot lately about how power dynamics and games have felt more pervasive and serious between luke and i. but that's just one small plot line in our story. the other things that have been going on are various little fun things-- including dressing up like luke skywalker and princess leia for halloween (our costumes were so perfect that strangers on the street were stopping us and asking to take our picture!), trying new restaurants, going to movies. it's included lots of planning-- for a long trip to see his family at the end of this month, for a short getaway in january, and for lots of hypothetical travel whenever luke finishes school. it's included support through really tough things-- like meeting my father's new girlfriend for the first time (what would i have done without luke beside me during that horrible ordeal?) and coping with luke's difficult job situation.

i'm thrilled to tell you that luke and i hit a new milestone about two months ago (just before the fighting started... gotta love those fear patterns!). we really solidified in our identity as a couple, and i stopped worrying about him being too unavailable for me. i stopped worrying about it because he's made his devotion clear. i'm getting everything that i want and need from him right now, and i'm loving my opportunities to fulfill him in return. we're wholly committed to each other and looking toward the future with excitement.

insomnia

i propose the following: if spanking were more than a game in our relationship, it wouldn't be okay for luke to spank me for my insomnia.

it's not my fault that i can't sleep, after all... and i do everything i can to overcome it. for a while i was taking prescription sleep aids, but that started feeling problematic (and i was sort of hiding it from luke because it seriously upset him when i took them), so now i take melatonin. that usually works, but occasionally it takes a long time to kick in. and so i am awake, tossing and turning in bed.

luke is a better sleeper than i am, but not so much better that he sleeps through my unrest. worse yet that he tends to creep over to my side of the bed (usually seeking a cuddle) so it becomes impossible to move without disturbing him. he thinks i could be more careful about the way that i readjust in bed, but i can't imagine how.

he also gets grumpy when his sleep is disturbed. he makes his annoyance known, speaking to me very sharply in his rudely-awakened state: "baby, this is the fifth time that you've woken me up! stop it and go to sleep! just stop thinking! i mean it-- stop."

you know, when i type out the sharp words they don't seem quite so bad, but in the middle of the night, in an angry tone of voice, when i'm already desperate to "just stop thinking" and fall to sleep, these words feel horrible. the rebukes tend to make me anxious, which makes sleeping much more difficult, which upsets luke more, which upsets me more... it's truly a vicious cycle.

one time when my flipping woke him up, luke threatened me. "if you don't quit moving around, i'm going to paddle you," he had warned, his tone as ominous as usual. and oddly enough, i think the threat worked-- it calmed something in me (even as it put me to attention) and i managed to fall asleep, or so i remember. the next morning when i asked luke if he recalled saying those words, he laughed affirmatively and said, "i meant it, too!"

but the other day i got spanked for my insomnia, and it wasn't an in-the-moment intervention designed to calm me down. it was an after-the-fact retribution. he already had me bent over, and my bottom bared and pinkened, before he suddenly promised me twenty swats with the paddle for every time that i had awakened him the previous night.

"but that's like twenty times!" i protested without thinking. truthfully, i doubt that i woke him up twenty times, but that was the number that he'd been using when he was complaining about it, so that's what came out of my mouth.

luckily for me, luke is less hyperbolic when it comes down to deliberate action. "let's call it two hundred spankings," he decreed. and he went forward, making me count as he laid that paddle into my bottom and thighs fifty times. i didn't argue when he stopped there-- it hurt pretty bad, after all-- and he got me up and redressed and we went on with our day.

a few hours later, though, luke was climbing out of my bed (where we'd stopped for an afternoon nap) with the intention of heading home for the day. he sat down beside where i still lay and bent my legs at the knees, wrapping his arms around them and then turning me sideways and patting my bottom firmly, laughing at the little yelp i gave out in response.

"you're sore from your paddling, hm? and i still owe you 150 more," he said. "do you want them now? or do you want to have them on thursday at my place with fifty percent interest?"

"what?!"

"you heard me."

i stared at him with my brow furrowed for a moment. i started to say "now" and then i thought about how i was already sore and didn't really want to be more sore. then i started to say "thursday" and thought about that 50% interest and how much more overall spanking it was going to be, and how much heavier luke's paddle is than mine.

"mmnnnmm!" i whimpered with frustration.

luke smiled. "there's the little noise i wanted to hear. you can't make up your mind?"

i bit the inside of my lip and frowned at him.

"i guess it's thursday then!" he laughed, and i accepted my fate with equal parts excitement and dread. i don't think i'll ever get over how arousing it is to see luke's delight over spanking me, and so such moments always win out on the good side, no matter what.

being "punished" for things i do "wrong" is something that's come up more and more between us lately, and we interact over it as if it's entirely real. i genuinely try to avoid the punishments, and put real effort into leading us towards an outcome that will please him-- even though i know that in many ways it pleases him just as much to spank me as it does to see me obedient. for luke's part, he is stern and insistent about his rules-- he holds his ground when i fight against them, and he doesn't give me any opportunities to take away his authority. sometimes (like in my last post) it feels so real that i have to check and make sure that we're still playing.

but, getting back to my initial point, i think that if luke and i were heading towards something more "serious," the sort of spanking i just described wouldn't be okay. he would have to punish me in fair ways-- and it's certainly not fair to punish me for my insomnia, especially since it's just as wrong for him to yell at me as it is for me to inadvertently jostle him awake. do my readers agree?

"trouble"

i was in "trouble," the most "trouble" that i've ever been in with luke. and he was going to punish me.

"i was never vanilla," he told me via text on the night he read my paddle warmth post. "permission to orgasm revoked! one hundred spankings!"

at first, i found his reaction funny. but we had a second conversation about it, in the movie theater a few nights later. and i realized that he was genuinely annoyed with me, or at least he had been when he read the post. "vanilla" to luke means lack of passion, lack of experimentation, lack of excitement in the bedroom... and he has never identified with a lack of anything, especially not when it comes to sex. he took issue with the suggestion he thought i was making, that his sex life had been uninteresting before he met me. i did my best to explain that this was not how i was using the term, but it was too late for that.

the end of that evening found us in my bed, where luke was explaining to me that i wouldn't be permitted to orgasm any time soon. "how long do you think you could go?" he asked teasingly. "shall we try two weeks? a few months? how long would it take for you to learn your lesson?"

"to not call you formerly vanilla? i already learned that!"

"i don't know if you've learned it enough," he replied, his voice laced with the smugness that he always takes on in moments like this. he started to manipulate my body, rolling me forward in the bed. he smacked my bottom once, hard, then started working my panties off of my hips. i rolled docilely, letting him expose me.

"one hundred spankings," he said. "count out loud or i'll get the paddle."

i counted, noticing this disciplinary feeling. it made me feel like a naughty little girl; it made luke feel to me like... well, like he had complete authority over me. like i had stopped giving it to him, like i stopped needing to give it to him. like he now had all of it.

the spanking only hurt a little bit, truth be told. maybe because of the position when i'm flat on my stomach like that? i'm not sure. luke didn't seem to mind either way if it had made a big physical impression. he rolled me back towards him and asked me if i understood why i had been punished.

"yes," i pouted, "can we have sex now?"

he laughed. "i don't think i want to have sex tonight. you're not allowed to cum anyway."

i turned away impatiently. he pulled me close anyway, though, spooning me. he loves putting me into this sulky, cranky place. it must give him some kind of power rush. and i admit that it kind of turns me on too-- metaphorically stamping my foot, sticking out my lower lip, and having him react with amusement... i don't know, it's just hot.

luke gave me a moment to pout in silence, then suddenly rubbed my bottom teasingly. "what a nice little bottom you have," he patronized me, patting in rhythm with his words. i made a whining noise and rubbed against him in response. we laid there together for a few minutes, his hands wandering over me, his words pushing me further into my sulky arousal.

then i felt the bed giving as luke began to move. he rolled me to my back and i saw him there, undressed, kneeling between my knees. his eyes were flashing between my face and my bare cunt. "spread your legs," he instructed, his tone full of purpose.

i beamed. "we are having sex, then?"

he took that in and chuckled, shaking his head slightly. one hand reached out and his fingers found my clit instantly-- they were just *there,* suddenly, abruptly. it shot me full of uncomfortable, unformed pleasure, and i yelped. i squirmed at the intensity of the sensation, kicking my legs slightly and pulling away.

luke's voice became firm: "i said spread your legs. i will paddle you if you're not obedient." i furrowed my eyebrows at him and let my knees fall to the sides. "wider," he directed, "wider. good."

and then i stayed like that, flat on my back with my legs spread and luke's hand on my cunt, while he touched himself and studied me. i was overwhelmed with arousal at the sight of him masturbating... and i started to wonder, was he really going to just play with me and make himself cum, leaving me out to dry? the thought of it was incredibly erotic... but i couldn't imagine what i would do if he really went ahead with it.

of course, a dominant man is still a man. before too long it was too much for him and he decided that he wanted to have me. he pulled me closer to him, entered me easily and lifted my ankles, pushing my thighs back until my knees were touching my ears. "don't you dare cum," he warned me as i gave him my most sincere pleading face. his warning taunted me, because it was given through a broad smile, his pleasure at my posture and expression obvious.

"i love the look on your face when i put you in this position," he told me. it's his favorite way to have me, in this legs-up pose, and he knows that i hate it. i hate it because it's so intense, so challenging, so uncomfortable... and yet it's often the position with which i have my most soul-shaking orgasms.

he took pity on me quickly, though. he brought my legs down and he fucked me in the missionary position, my thighs wrapped around his torso. he kept reminding me that i wasn't allowed to have an orgasm, and the denial aroused me more. i knew that the combination of his cock inside of me and his firm words caressing my submissive mind would be a lethal combination, so i tried hard to disengage from the sensation of physical pleasure. i just laid there, thinking about how he was going to use me for his orgasm but not let me climax myself, and i felt tiny and vulnerable.

and it's interesting... though it did feel, on one hand, that luke was "using" me for his pleasure, i didn't feel objectified in the slightest. to the contrary, i felt enveloped by affection and love. there was something about the way that he was holding me... there was something about taking away the element of physical pleasure... with all of the eroticism stripped down, what's left underneath is this affection and love.

he was still reminding me that i was being punished and that i wasn't allowed to cum, and i was still thinking that maybe a spanking and an extended orgasm denial was a bit unfair as a punishment, but what i felt in the air between us was caretaking. i was at his mercy, and he was "punishing" me, yes... he was being firm, he was holding his ground, he was exerting his authority. and all of these things made me feel... safe and taken care of. and his body was enveloping mine, we were wrapped up in each other, and i had given away so much of myself and he was holding it, cherishing it.

the mood shifted as he again lifted my legs over my head. it became much harder to control how close i came to no-turning-back arousal. i had to really focus to keep my body from moving dangerously, painfully close to orgasm. i started to whimper, and then to moan, and then to out and out shriek. the tension was unbearable.

all of a sudden luke announced, "cum now!" and my body didn't even know what to do, i had worked so hard to keep it away from cumming. a strange and abrupt explosion happened between my legs... a weird, sudden release of tension that really wasn't quite an orgasm. i yelled as it happened and then i looked up at luke with a combination of frustration and apology. he didn't ask any questions.

he fucked me some more, for a little while, and then he kissed me softly and stopped, without reaching his own climax. he informed me that the orgasm denial would continue until future notice, told me that he loved me, and then pulled me close and promptly fell asleep. i soaked in that wonderful feeling of being in his arms and waited for confirmation that he was really out-- the sound of his teeth snapping together, one, two, three times, like always, as if he's trying to catch something between them in his very first dream-- until i drifted to sleep myself.

***

the next morning, luke teased me so much about my orgasm denial that i finally had to ask-- "is this serious or is this a game? it feels like maybe you were really upset with me, but i'm not sure... i think i need some clarity."

i had said all this from the bathtub, where i stood taking my shower, and before he answered luke pulled the curtain aside, looking in at my wet, naked, confused self. "i'm not upset," he said. "it bothered me at first, but only a little bit. this is still a game."

i gave him a half-smile and breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"but you also still have to do what i say," he added with a firm nod of his head and a self-indulgent grin.

i laughed. i can't remember what, if anything, i said in response. but i think we all know that i'm not having any trouble with doing what he says.

behind the bed

"you'd better find that paddle before the next time that i come over here. if i find out that you hid it you're going to be in big trouble!"

there was so much firmness and demand behind his voice, and i just couldn't match his energy level. his scolding was erotic to me, and i felt embarrassed, wanting to escape from his censure (even as it drew me in), wanting to hide my feelings. i answered in a calm voice close to a whisper: "i didn't hide it. it's got to be here somewhere."

"i think you should have one hundred spankings for every day that it's missing. so that's already two hundred, considering yesterday and today." he gave me a firm and somewhat smug smile as i looked at him reproachfully and, trying to get back my upper hand, rolled my eyes. "when you find it, you can show me on video chat," he went on. i furrowed my eyebrows slightly at this suggestion, and the idea that he would be so thorough about being sure i'd found the missing implement.

we were about to say goodbye for the day... it was sunday morning and the paddle had been nowhere to be found since before luke's arrival the previous night. he'd had plenty of fun with just his hand, and with the cheap sting-y paddle that was currently back in its place in my underwear drawer. but the nice leather london tanners' paddle was really the prize... that was what he wanted to use on my bottom. and it was lost.

i got down on my hands and knees and looked under the bed, or as far under the bed as you can see before all my under-bed storage conceals the view. "maybe it fell down between the other side of the bed and the wall?" i suggested.

luke pulled the bed away almost immediately. i was startled by his enthusiasm, actually. and there on the floor, next to a fluffy tumbleweed of dog hair, was the paddle, safe and sound.

luke leapt to its rescue anyway. "now," he said, picking it up and shaking it in his hand as if it were a noisemaker.

i tried to ignore him and the ways that my body responded to his demeanor and actions. i went to my computer, checking the weather so i could decide what to wear that day. luke ignored my avoidance, though. he came over and wrapped one arm around my mid-section, holding me firmly by the waist, then he lifted the back of my robe and he began to paddle me.

it wasn't too hard. he used just barely enough force to make the sensation uncomfortable, with some swats making me squirm slightly more than others. having his arm bracing against my front, stabilizing me in place, made it feel more erotic-- i could squirm and feel him holding me in place. and he delivered the paddling quickly, too fast for me to count as he usually wants me to do. for some reason this always makes me feel more chastised and vulnerable too, perhaps because of the contrast from the usual, more formal counting.

"that was only fifty," he said as he finished and released me. i could only look at him from under my eyelashes in response. i was feeling something close to petulance, along with plenty of arousal and submission... it was some weird combination of how dare you and take me i'm yours. it's a reaction to being over-powered, though i didn't put up the slightest bit of a fight.

"i want you to take better care of this paddle now," luke chided me, grasping the paddle's handle possessively and waving it at me reprovingly. "do you understand me?"

"yes," i whispered.

"good girl," he said. i felt his eyes observing me and i wondered how he managed to be audience and actor at the same time. he plays his role so well! "now, put this where it belongs," he went on, his tone turning darker: "and that's where i'd better find it next time."

he was less than a foot-stride away from the bureau-- closer to it than i was myself-- but i took the paddle from him obediently and stuck it in its drawer. god, i love that space that he can get me to... the one where i feel so submissive, but a little bit rebellious at the same time... when i can feel him watching me, knowing that i want to resist him, and loving it. loving that i want to do it but i don't. loving his power over me.

a little bit of firmness, a corrective spanking, a little bit of condescension, and i'm on my knees.

dirty spoon

we were on my bed, laying side by side. luke was on the left, next to the bedside table. i was on the right, close to the wall. but i was about to get up-- i thought we were going to bring the computer over and watch a movie a movie together. quiet time holding each other seemed like a lovely way to wrap up our evening, in which we'd met after work, and made a late dinner together. plus the movie i'd chosen was kiss me kate, and i was hoping to surprise luke with that sound, sudden, on-stage spanking.

but he stopped me and my plans. he said, actually, that he wanted me to go get the movie started, but instead of letting me get up he leaned toward me and kissed me. and it was the kind of kiss that commanded that i stay where i was. it was the kind of kiss that owned my lips. i wasn't going anywhere. kiss me kate would wait.

the kiss held me captive, and eventually luke grabbed my arm, my right arm, the one that was closest to him, and he lifted it and moved it, pulling the rest of my body along. this is what he does when he wants to change my position, and i have grown used to the wordless guidance. i ended up on my side, facing away from him. now we were spooning.

his hand slid up my belly and grasped my breasts, pinching my nipples until i let out tiny, breathless yelps. his lips made their presence known on the back of my neck, and his arms pulled me in close. his left arm reached under my head and took hold of my left wrist, holding it firmly against the bed, out in front of me.

his right arm pushed gently on my shoulder, rolling my body forward, and his left hand grabbed hold of my right wrist. he was now holding both of my wrists in one of his hands, restraining me. i let my body roll with his command, knowing what was coming next.

he grabbed my bottom, squeezed it with self-designated authority. and then there was a moment of silence as his arm swung back. i knew that it was coming-- a hard smack, two, three. i moaned. he pushed me further into my roll, exposing my other side. again, a squeeze, and three hard smacks.

i felt his fingers take hold of the elastic band of my panties squarely below my spine, and he drew them down confidently, exposing me. "let's see how much you liked that," he said, and his hands crept between my legs from the back. my own hands were still restrained, caught by the wrists within his other fist.

as his fingers penetrated my wet folds, i began to squirm. i fought half-heartedly against the restraint in my wrists... the finger-fucking made me want to wiggle away and stay very close at the same time. i whimpered my protests, knowing that he appreciates this place i am in, this place halfway between hating it and loving it, this place where i want to get away but i stay just for him. i whimpered and struggled a little, and i let him keep me contained, a prisoner of his sadistic and hedonistic whims.

it wasn't long before he easily entered me, or, a few minutes later, pulled my panties off and dragged me to my knees at the end of the bed, where he could stand, and give me the full impact of his thrusts. where i was overpowered and at his mercy as he dealt out the pleasure and, occasionally, the pain.