vanilla updates

the leaves fall off of the trees... conflict and harmony both wax and wane... and luke and i move forward in our development of "us."

at the end of september, we were fighting constantly. there were a couple of weeks in there-- maybe three or even as many as four?-- in which we seemed to always be fighting or making up. the fights shook us both to our core, and we started talking about breaking up. it was a really hard time for us.

so how did we get through it? well... we were both able to realize and acknowledge that we were fighting because we were becoming closer. we were feeling scared about being more involved, perhaps even dependent on each other. we both began trying so hard to protect our hearts that we weren't allowing trust to guide us. we were hiding from our love. i think it was the night when we realized that, and really talked about it, that the fighting stopped.

and there has still been conflict since then, of course-- we've annoyed each other, we've had moments in which we felt disconnected-- but nothing that i would really call a fight. it's like we got to a better place with accepting each other. we both know what to do when the other one becomes difficult, and i guess we stopped being so afraid to employ those methods.

for instance-- sometimes i get sulky about things. luke is in the process of finishing an advanced degree and sometimes he has to say goodbye to me earlier than i want him to so he can go study. and even though i know he has to go, it often makes me sad. it used to be that when i got this way, luke would try really hard to cheer me up and eventually start feeling pressured (or even suffocated) when that didn't work, and he would get annoyed with me. he'd give me some annoyed retort, which would only exacerbate my sadness, and we'd be in a fight. but lately that's changed. now when he notices my mood, he puts his arm around me, rubs my back, and just says, "aw, are you pouty?" something about the affection and acceptance makes me feel good... loved and taken care of, i guess. and the sulkiness passes without causing a conflict.

on the other side-- sometimes luke gets agitated about things. i've mentioned before that he likes to be in control of his life, and if he feels a loss of that control then usually his reaction is to ruminate out loud, and to interpret everything he sees in a lens of discontent. this used to rile me up a lot-- i'd feel criticized either directly or indirectly, and i'd end up feeling anxious and/or annoyed and a similar bad cycle would develop. but i've learned that his agitation just needs time, and that the best response from me is space and validation. i listen to him talk about it for as long as he needs to, saying very little. and eventually he gets it all out, after which he not only feels better-- but also seems to feel an upswell of affection towards me in reaction to the support that i just invested.

i like telling you what we've both learned and how it's working. being able to work through conflicts before they become fights is better, i think, than never having conflict in the first place. conflict is just part of being in a relationship, and i always feel really good-- really comforted and confident about us-- after we've circumnavigated a potential argument.

the most frequent keywords that people use to find this blog are not about sex or bdsm but about dating and relationships. my keyword analysis section of stats is usually populated with searches like, "what to expect on third date" or "how to know if it's love." people wonder about this stuff... everyone struggles with figuring it out, with getting through the dance of intimacy without going crazy. and i like to think that those out there who are looking to the internet for support and answers about such things are finding a story that they can relate to here.

i've been writing a lot lately about how power dynamics and games have felt more pervasive and serious between luke and i. but that's just one small plot line in our story. the other things that have been going on are various little fun things-- including dressing up like luke skywalker and princess leia for halloween (our costumes were so perfect that strangers on the street were stopping us and asking to take our picture!), trying new restaurants, going to movies. it's included lots of planning-- for a long trip to see his family at the end of this month, for a short getaway in january, and for lots of hypothetical travel whenever luke finishes school. it's included support through really tough things-- like meeting my father's new girlfriend for the first time (what would i have done without luke beside me during that horrible ordeal?) and coping with luke's difficult job situation.

i'm thrilled to tell you that luke and i hit a new milestone about two months ago (just before the fighting started... gotta love those fear patterns!). we really solidified in our identity as a couple, and i stopped worrying about him being too unavailable for me. i stopped worrying about it because he's made his devotion clear. i'm getting everything that i want and need from him right now, and i'm loving my opportunities to fulfill him in return. we're wholly committed to each other and looking toward the future with excitement.

insomnia

i propose the following: if spanking were more than a game in our relationship, it wouldn't be okay for luke to spank me for my insomnia.

it's not my fault that i can't sleep, after all... and i do everything i can to overcome it. for a while i was taking prescription sleep aids, but that started feeling problematic (and i was sort of hiding it from luke because it seriously upset him when i took them), so now i take melatonin. that usually works, but occasionally it takes a long time to kick in. and so i am awake, tossing and turning in bed.

luke is a better sleeper than i am, but not so much better that he sleeps through my unrest. worse yet that he tends to creep over to my side of the bed (usually seeking a cuddle) so it becomes impossible to move without disturbing him. he thinks i could be more careful about the way that i readjust in bed, but i can't imagine how.

he also gets grumpy when his sleep is disturbed. he makes his annoyance known, speaking to me very sharply in his rudely-awakened state: "baby, this is the fifth time that you've woken me up! stop it and go to sleep! just stop thinking! i mean it-- stop."

you know, when i type out the sharp words they don't seem quite so bad, but in the middle of the night, in an angry tone of voice, when i'm already desperate to "just stop thinking" and fall to sleep, these words feel horrible. the rebukes tend to make me anxious, which makes sleeping much more difficult, which upsets luke more, which upsets me more... it's truly a vicious cycle.

one time when my flipping woke him up, luke threatened me. "if you don't quit moving around, i'm going to paddle you," he had warned, his tone as ominous as usual. and oddly enough, i think the threat worked-- it calmed something in me (even as it put me to attention) and i managed to fall asleep, or so i remember. the next morning when i asked luke if he recalled saying those words, he laughed affirmatively and said, "i meant it, too!"

but the other day i got spanked for my insomnia, and it wasn't an in-the-moment intervention designed to calm me down. it was an after-the-fact retribution. he already had me bent over, and my bottom bared and pinkened, before he suddenly promised me twenty swats with the paddle for every time that i had awakened him the previous night.

"but that's like twenty times!" i protested without thinking. truthfully, i doubt that i woke him up twenty times, but that was the number that he'd been using when he was complaining about it, so that's what came out of my mouth.

luckily for me, luke is less hyperbolic when it comes down to deliberate action. "let's call it two hundred spankings," he decreed. and he went forward, making me count as he laid that paddle into my bottom and thighs fifty times. i didn't argue when he stopped there-- it hurt pretty bad, after all-- and he got me up and redressed and we went on with our day.

a few hours later, though, luke was climbing out of my bed (where we'd stopped for an afternoon nap) with the intention of heading home for the day. he sat down beside where i still lay and bent my legs at the knees, wrapping his arms around them and then turning me sideways and patting my bottom firmly, laughing at the little yelp i gave out in response.

"you're sore from your paddling, hm? and i still owe you 150 more," he said. "do you want them now? or do you want to have them on thursday at my place with fifty percent interest?"

"what?!"

"you heard me."

i stared at him with my brow furrowed for a moment. i started to say "now" and then i thought about how i was already sore and didn't really want to be more sore. then i started to say "thursday" and thought about that 50% interest and how much more overall spanking it was going to be, and how much heavier luke's paddle is than mine.

"mmnnnmm!" i whimpered with frustration.

luke smiled. "there's the little noise i wanted to hear. you can't make up your mind?"

i bit the inside of my lip and frowned at him.

"i guess it's thursday then!" he laughed, and i accepted my fate with equal parts excitement and dread. i don't think i'll ever get over how arousing it is to see luke's delight over spanking me, and so such moments always win out on the good side, no matter what.

being "punished" for things i do "wrong" is something that's come up more and more between us lately, and we interact over it as if it's entirely real. i genuinely try to avoid the punishments, and put real effort into leading us towards an outcome that will please him-- even though i know that in many ways it pleases him just as much to spank me as it does to see me obedient. for luke's part, he is stern and insistent about his rules-- he holds his ground when i fight against them, and he doesn't give me any opportunities to take away his authority. sometimes (like in my last post) it feels so real that i have to check and make sure that we're still playing.

but, getting back to my initial point, i think that if luke and i were heading towards something more "serious," the sort of spanking i just described wouldn't be okay. he would have to punish me in fair ways-- and it's certainly not fair to punish me for my insomnia, especially since it's just as wrong for him to yell at me as it is for me to inadvertently jostle him awake. do my readers agree?

"trouble"

i was in "trouble," the most "trouble" that i've ever been in with luke. and he was going to punish me.

"i was never vanilla," he told me via text on the night he read my paddle warmth post. "permission to orgasm revoked! one hundred spankings!"

at first, i found his reaction funny. but we had a second conversation about it, in the movie theater a few nights later. and i realized that he was genuinely annoyed with me, or at least he had been when he read the post. "vanilla" to luke means lack of passion, lack of experimentation, lack of excitement in the bedroom... and he has never identified with a lack of anything, especially not when it comes to sex. he took issue with the suggestion he thought i was making, that his sex life had been uninteresting before he met me. i did my best to explain that this was not how i was using the term, but it was too late for that.

the end of that evening found us in my bed, where luke was explaining to me that i wouldn't be permitted to orgasm any time soon. "how long do you think you could go?" he asked teasingly. "shall we try two weeks? a few months? how long would it take for you to learn your lesson?"

"to not call you formerly vanilla? i already learned that!"

"i don't know if you've learned it enough," he replied, his voice laced with the smugness that he always takes on in moments like this. he started to manipulate my body, rolling me forward in the bed. he smacked my bottom once, hard, then started working my panties off of my hips. i rolled docilely, letting him expose me.

"one hundred spankings," he said. "count out loud or i'll get the paddle."

i counted, noticing this disciplinary feeling. it made me feel like a naughty little girl; it made luke feel to me like... well, like he had complete authority over me. like i had stopped giving it to him, like i stopped needing to give it to him. like he now had all of it.

the spanking only hurt a little bit, truth be told. maybe because of the position when i'm flat on my stomach like that? i'm not sure. luke didn't seem to mind either way if it had made a big physical impression. he rolled me back towards him and asked me if i understood why i had been punished.

"yes," i pouted, "can we have sex now?"

he laughed. "i don't think i want to have sex tonight. you're not allowed to cum anyway."

i turned away impatiently. he pulled me close anyway, though, spooning me. he loves putting me into this sulky, cranky place. it must give him some kind of power rush. and i admit that it kind of turns me on too-- metaphorically stamping my foot, sticking out my lower lip, and having him react with amusement... i don't know, it's just hot.

luke gave me a moment to pout in silence, then suddenly rubbed my bottom teasingly. "what a nice little bottom you have," he patronized me, patting in rhythm with his words. i made a whining noise and rubbed against him in response. we laid there together for a few minutes, his hands wandering over me, his words pushing me further into my sulky arousal.

then i felt the bed giving as luke began to move. he rolled me to my back and i saw him there, undressed, kneeling between my knees. his eyes were flashing between my face and my bare cunt. "spread your legs," he instructed, his tone full of purpose.

i beamed. "we are having sex, then?"

he took that in and chuckled, shaking his head slightly. one hand reached out and his fingers found my clit instantly-- they were just *there,* suddenly, abruptly. it shot me full of uncomfortable, unformed pleasure, and i yelped. i squirmed at the intensity of the sensation, kicking my legs slightly and pulling away.

luke's voice became firm: "i said spread your legs. i will paddle you if you're not obedient." i furrowed my eyebrows at him and let my knees fall to the sides. "wider," he directed, "wider. good."

and then i stayed like that, flat on my back with my legs spread and luke's hand on my cunt, while he touched himself and studied me. i was overwhelmed with arousal at the sight of him masturbating... and i started to wonder, was he really going to just play with me and make himself cum, leaving me out to dry? the thought of it was incredibly erotic... but i couldn't imagine what i would do if he really went ahead with it.

of course, a dominant man is still a man. before too long it was too much for him and he decided that he wanted to have me. he pulled me closer to him, entered me easily and lifted my ankles, pushing my thighs back until my knees were touching my ears. "don't you dare cum," he warned me as i gave him my most sincere pleading face. his warning taunted me, because it was given through a broad smile, his pleasure at my posture and expression obvious.

"i love the look on your face when i put you in this position," he told me. it's his favorite way to have me, in this legs-up pose, and he knows that i hate it. i hate it because it's so intense, so challenging, so uncomfortable... and yet it's often the position with which i have my most soul-shaking orgasms.

he took pity on me quickly, though. he brought my legs down and he fucked me in the missionary position, my thighs wrapped around his torso. he kept reminding me that i wasn't allowed to have an orgasm, and the denial aroused me more. i knew that the combination of his cock inside of me and his firm words caressing my submissive mind would be a lethal combination, so i tried hard to disengage from the sensation of physical pleasure. i just laid there, thinking about how he was going to use me for his orgasm but not let me climax myself, and i felt tiny and vulnerable.

and it's interesting... though it did feel, on one hand, that luke was "using" me for his pleasure, i didn't feel objectified in the slightest. to the contrary, i felt enveloped by affection and love. there was something about the way that he was holding me... there was something about taking away the element of physical pleasure... with all of the eroticism stripped down, what's left underneath is this affection and love.

he was still reminding me that i was being punished and that i wasn't allowed to cum, and i was still thinking that maybe a spanking and an extended orgasm denial was a bit unfair as a punishment, but what i felt in the air between us was caretaking. i was at his mercy, and he was "punishing" me, yes... he was being firm, he was holding his ground, he was exerting his authority. and all of these things made me feel... safe and taken care of. and his body was enveloping mine, we were wrapped up in each other, and i had given away so much of myself and he was holding it, cherishing it.

the mood shifted as he again lifted my legs over my head. it became much harder to control how close i came to no-turning-back arousal. i had to really focus to keep my body from moving dangerously, painfully close to orgasm. i started to whimper, and then to moan, and then to out and out shriek. the tension was unbearable.

all of a sudden luke announced, "cum now!" and my body didn't even know what to do, i had worked so hard to keep it away from cumming. a strange and abrupt explosion happened between my legs... a weird, sudden release of tension that really wasn't quite an orgasm. i yelled as it happened and then i looked up at luke with a combination of frustration and apology. he didn't ask any questions.

he fucked me some more, for a little while, and then he kissed me softly and stopped, without reaching his own climax. he informed me that the orgasm denial would continue until future notice, told me that he loved me, and then pulled me close and promptly fell asleep. i soaked in that wonderful feeling of being in his arms and waited for confirmation that he was really out-- the sound of his teeth snapping together, one, two, three times, like always, as if he's trying to catch something between them in his very first dream-- until i drifted to sleep myself.

***

the next morning, luke teased me so much about my orgasm denial that i finally had to ask-- "is this serious or is this a game? it feels like maybe you were really upset with me, but i'm not sure... i think i need some clarity."

i had said all this from the bathtub, where i stood taking my shower, and before he answered luke pulled the curtain aside, looking in at my wet, naked, confused self. "i'm not upset," he said. "it bothered me at first, but only a little bit. this is still a game."

i gave him a half-smile and breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"but you also still have to do what i say," he added with a firm nod of his head and a self-indulgent grin.

i laughed. i can't remember what, if anything, i said in response. but i think we all know that i'm not having any trouble with doing what he says.

behind the bed

"you'd better find that paddle before the next time that i come over here. if i find out that you hid it you're going to be in big trouble!"

there was so much firmness and demand behind his voice, and i just couldn't match his energy level. his scolding was erotic to me, and i felt embarrassed, wanting to escape from his censure (even as it drew me in), wanting to hide my feelings. i answered in a calm voice close to a whisper: "i didn't hide it. it's got to be here somewhere."

"i think you should have one hundred spankings for every day that it's missing. so that's already two hundred, considering yesterday and today." he gave me a firm and somewhat smug smile as i looked at him reproachfully and, trying to get back my upper hand, rolled my eyes. "when you find it, you can show me on video chat," he went on. i furrowed my eyebrows slightly at this suggestion, and the idea that he would be so thorough about being sure i'd found the missing implement.

we were about to say goodbye for the day... it was sunday morning and the paddle had been nowhere to be found since before luke's arrival the previous night. he'd had plenty of fun with just his hand, and with the cheap sting-y paddle that was currently back in its place in my underwear drawer. but the nice leather london tanners' paddle was really the prize... that was what he wanted to use on my bottom. and it was lost.

i got down on my hands and knees and looked under the bed, or as far under the bed as you can see before all my under-bed storage conceals the view. "maybe it fell down between the other side of the bed and the wall?" i suggested.

luke pulled the bed away almost immediately. i was startled by his enthusiasm, actually. and there on the floor, next to a fluffy tumbleweed of dog hair, was the paddle, safe and sound.

luke leapt to its rescue anyway. "now," he said, picking it up and shaking it in his hand as if it were a noisemaker.

i tried to ignore him and the ways that my body responded to his demeanor and actions. i went to my computer, checking the weather so i could decide what to wear that day. luke ignored my avoidance, though. he came over and wrapped one arm around my mid-section, holding me firmly by the waist, then he lifted the back of my robe and he began to paddle me.

it wasn't too hard. he used just barely enough force to make the sensation uncomfortable, with some swats making me squirm slightly more than others. having his arm bracing against my front, stabilizing me in place, made it feel more erotic-- i could squirm and feel him holding me in place. and he delivered the paddling quickly, too fast for me to count as he usually wants me to do. for some reason this always makes me feel more chastised and vulnerable too, perhaps because of the contrast from the usual, more formal counting.

"that was only fifty," he said as he finished and released me. i could only look at him from under my eyelashes in response. i was feeling something close to petulance, along with plenty of arousal and submission... it was some weird combination of how dare you and take me i'm yours. it's a reaction to being over-powered, though i didn't put up the slightest bit of a fight.

"i want you to take better care of this paddle now," luke chided me, grasping the paddle's handle possessively and waving it at me reprovingly. "do you understand me?"

"yes," i whispered.

"good girl," he said. i felt his eyes observing me and i wondered how he managed to be audience and actor at the same time. he plays his role so well! "now, put this where it belongs," he went on, his tone turning darker: "and that's where i'd better find it next time."

he was less than a foot-stride away from the bureau-- closer to it than i was myself-- but i took the paddle from him obediently and stuck it in its drawer. god, i love that space that he can get me to... the one where i feel so submissive, but a little bit rebellious at the same time... when i can feel him watching me, knowing that i want to resist him, and loving it. loving that i want to do it but i don't. loving his power over me.

a little bit of firmness, a corrective spanking, a little bit of condescension, and i'm on my knees.

dirty spoon

we were on my bed, laying side by side. luke was on the left, next to the bedside table. i was on the right, close to the wall. but i was about to get up-- i thought we were going to bring the computer over and watch a movie a movie together. quiet time holding each other seemed like a lovely way to wrap up our evening, in which we'd met after work, and made a late dinner together. plus the movie i'd chosen was kiss me kate, and i was hoping to surprise luke with that sound, sudden, on-stage spanking.

but he stopped me and my plans. he said, actually, that he wanted me to go get the movie started, but instead of letting me get up he leaned toward me and kissed me. and it was the kind of kiss that commanded that i stay where i was. it was the kind of kiss that owned my lips. i wasn't going anywhere. kiss me kate would wait.

the kiss held me captive, and eventually luke grabbed my arm, my right arm, the one that was closest to him, and he lifted it and moved it, pulling the rest of my body along. this is what he does when he wants to change my position, and i have grown used to the wordless guidance. i ended up on my side, facing away from him. now we were spooning.

his hand slid up my belly and grasped my breasts, pinching my nipples until i let out tiny, breathless yelps. his lips made their presence known on the back of my neck, and his arms pulled me in close. his left arm reached under my head and took hold of my left wrist, holding it firmly against the bed, out in front of me.

his right arm pushed gently on my shoulder, rolling my body forward, and his left hand grabbed hold of my right wrist. he was now holding both of my wrists in one of his hands, restraining me. i let my body roll with his command, knowing what was coming next.

he grabbed my bottom, squeezed it with self-designated authority. and then there was a moment of silence as his arm swung back. i knew that it was coming-- a hard smack, two, three. i moaned. he pushed me further into my roll, exposing my other side. again, a squeeze, and three hard smacks.

i felt his fingers take hold of the elastic band of my panties squarely below my spine, and he drew them down confidently, exposing me. "let's see how much you liked that," he said, and his hands crept between my legs from the back. my own hands were still restrained, caught by the wrists within his other fist.

as his fingers penetrated my wet folds, i began to squirm. i fought half-heartedly against the restraint in my wrists... the finger-fucking made me want to wiggle away and stay very close at the same time. i whimpered my protests, knowing that he appreciates this place i am in, this place halfway between hating it and loving it, this place where i want to get away but i stay just for him. i whimpered and struggled a little, and i let him keep me contained, a prisoner of his sadistic and hedonistic whims.

it wasn't long before he easily entered me, or, a few minutes later, pulled my panties off and dragged me to my knees at the end of the bed, where he could stand, and give me the full impact of his thrusts. where i was overpowered and at his mercy as he dealt out the pleasure and, occasionally, the pain.

if i want to

luke and i were about to say goodbye, over the phone on a monday night.

"oh... um... can i have an orgasm later if i want to?" i asked casually, throwing it in right as i knew he was about to initiate our goodbye.

there was a brief pause, and i think he may have asked me to repeat myself, which i did. then he answered, succinctly: "no."

"what?"

"no."

"you're telling me no?" i was shocked, and on the verge of outrage. i'd been softly running my fingers over my cleanly shaven cunt throughout our phone conversation, working my way toward this request. i wasn't sure that i really needed the orgasm or if i would be happier just falling asleep, but being denied altogether had never been part of my plan.

i've seen, over the past few months that he's had this control, that luke doesn't have any desire to deny me my pleasure. my orgasms are one of his favorite things in the whole world, and so i've taken it for granted that he will always eventually give me what i want. sometimes he embarrasses me first, or makes me wait, or teases me for a while, but he always grants my request eventually. and so my mind flashed ahead, in an overly dramatic could this really be happening kind of fantasy. would i be able to find fulfillment in having luke deny my orgasm? would i be able to be turned on by a real and true denial or would it just frustrate me? what was i experiencing now? (the answer: a little bit of arousal at the idea that he would truly deny me and that i would hate it.) would i continue to feel that way after we got off the phone?

my racing thoughts were interrupted by luke's answer to my question. (yes, it is true that all of that flashed through my mind just in the time between my sentence ending and his beginning.) he said, "phrase your question a different way and ask it again."

i was almost holding my breath. was i being taught a lesson in humility and decorum? i felt eager to give luke whatever he wanted, and so i immediately chimed in with something more respectful, spoken softly, humbly: "may i please have an orgasm tonight?"

there was a silent moment after my question went into the phone, and then i heard luke take a breath. when he spoke his tone was deliberate and expository.

"you don't get to have an orgasm 'if you want to,' or 'if you feel like it,'" he began. "you'll have an orgasm tonight because i command you to... you don't get to ask for permission and then not have one. you don't get to decide whether it's happening or not. if you're going to ask for permission and i give it to you, then you're having an orgasm, whether you feel like it later or not. do you understand?"

i was a little shocked by this assertion of authority, i have to say... but i wasn't about to do anything other than embrace it. "yes," i said, my voice catching, suddenly a little bit toneless and scratchy.

there was a pause and i wondered whether he was going to make me say "yes sir," the way he sometimes does. but he didn't, he took the pause and then he said, "good girl.

"go and have your orgasm now," he went on, "and text me after you've cum."

"okay," i whispered.

we said goodbye. i grabbed my toy. ten minutes later i delivered my notification text.

luke's response: you're a good girl bebe! sweet dreams!

slumber party

in february 2007, i received a compelling little comment on my very first blog (a teeny little thing with a very small readership). the comment was full of spirit and personality, and as soon as i read it i felt a connection with its author... i felt like she knew me, sort of. she'd been reading my blog for six months, she said. and she was now de-lurking and starting her own journal.

we began to interact in her comments section and in mine. the writing on her blog was exquisite, and her life was fascinating... different. her love life and relationship situation were as unusual as mine, and i found that refreshing and sort of comforting. and the more i read her writing, the more obvious our commonalities became.

eventually, we started emailing. then we started chatting on IM. then we started video chatting. and then we thought we'd might as well switch to the phone. we had some slightly sexual experiences together over the phone and video chat-- stripping for each other and hearing each other orgasm among them.

she lived really far away, further away than a car could reasonably travel, but eventually she came by plane to visit some friends in my city, and we met up, spent a couple of afternoons together. we clicked instantly-- it was like we'd always known each other.

time went by and our friendship deepened. we expanded in the ways that we related to each other, talking on the phone sometimes for hours, and often moving away from just sexy or blog-related subjects. we were obviously more than internet chums; we had become "real" friends.

at times both of us got involved in other things-- for me, my mother's illness and death and the haze of grief that came in its wake, and for her a sudden career advancement and the planning of a wedding. there were a few periods of several months when we weren't really in contact. she also stopped blogging quite as much, and we had much less interaction in all mediums of communication.

but those times would be balanced out by the amount of contact we had during our less busy times... when sometimes we'd call each other multiple times each week (we're sort of in a stage like that right now, actually). i feel really, really close to her. i even went to her bachelorette party and very unhappily declined her wedding invitation (due to several insurmountable conflicts).

by now perhaps you know that i am talking about littlegirl (lg), who blogs here and tumbls here. she's not really an online friend to me at all anymore-- she's a real part of my life, someone i call for advice about all manner of things, or to share my important events and talk about my feelings. of course, we talk about sex a lot too... we understand each other in that way. and we have attraction and sexuality between us, which is fun and kind of a natural part of our friendship.

back in may, lg came for her most recent visit. it was actually only the third time we'd ever seen each other in person, but it didn't feel that way. she stayed in my apartment on one of the nights of her trip, and we got a long bit of time alone together.

and we had an intimate encounter, just the two of us. i never wrote about it because it coincided and was mixed up with some difficult moments for luke and i. (i alluded to it at the time in this post.) but lg has finally taken the time to write down those moments that we had together. and i'd love for you all to go over there and read her two pieces describing them (and tell her what you think about what you read). they are beautiful pieces that made me smile and even forget, for a little bit, the harder parts of that particular time.

lg will give you the details. enjoy!